Soul Mate or Self Delusion?

bth_FazioHave you ever met someone who seems to be the perfect fit for a potential partner, but instead of falling head over heels, he spends his energy chasing after someone else who is not interested? Perhaps you wondered why someone couldn’t see that you would be the best partner for him if only he would wake up and give you a chance.

Welcome to the wild and woolly world of love, where emotions, attraction and energy rule, and reason gets left in the dust.  Logic does not live in Love Land, true enough, but to further add to the confusion, we have come to believe some bizarre and at times destructive things about relationships under the umbrella term “Soul Mates”.

As a Relationship Psychic and Intuitive Relationship Coach, women often ask me about finding their “Soul Mates” and frequently have a misguided, highly romanticized, definition of what that term even means. Of course discussing Soul Mates can be as nebulous as discussing the Afterlife. Nothing can be claimed as a “Truth” but rather, a collection of beliefs. Then again, belief generates truth so with this in mind let me just state that there are many beliefs about Soul Mates, and I can not reference any scientific proof about this phenomenon, but even if I could, even science is merely a set of beliefs anyway. So we begin with belief either way.

Many of the women I have worked with start off with a series of beliefs about Soul Mates expressed through statements like the following:

  • “He must be my Soul Mate because I want to change for him”
  • “He must be my Soul Mate because I feel so naturally attracted to him”
  • “He must be my Soul Mate because he is the first man I have met who was not abusive”
  • “He must be my Soul Mate because we are always thinking about the same things”
  • “I know my partner is my Soul Mate because we always self destruct (relapse, self mutilate, etc.) at the same time, as if we are on the same wave”
  • “He must be my Soul Mate because he has seen me at my worst and not been scared away”

or statements regarding the pursuit of a Soul Mate:

“My Soul Mate will be the one who really understands me/the one I am meant to be with, the one I will not have any conflicts with, the one who will change for me” etc.

Some of these statements may reflect a deep level of connection, others reflect enabling, not to be confused with unconditional love. The belief in Soul Mates is fine. It becomes unhealthy to latch on to a belief about Soul Mates serving as justification for tolerating unhealthy, enabling or codependent patterns in relationships. It is also not useful when the quest for the Soul Mate causes someone to invalidate the current relationships in their life.

Ironically, many times the Soul Mate distinction gets used to feed the Ego, and not the Soul.

Don’t get me wrong, its not that I don’t believe in Soul Mates, I do. However the concept has gotten dragged through the muddy playing field where romance and codependency square off for a game of soccer. In the mess that is left, an otherwise valuable spiritual concept is left in a heap amidst the carnage of emotional connection and relationship wreckage.

What, then is a Soul Mate and why should this term even matter?

The term Soul Mate refers to the tip of a spiritual ice berg which is often left unexplored in favor of the juicy Hallmark sentimental feel-goods that come from being able to say “I met my Soul Mate..” The rest of that ice berg is the belief that all Souls are energy, all life is energy, and all are interconnected. All of life, then, is at a basic level, energy vibration. Some of the energies (Souls or in the physical Realm, people/animals/plants etc.) share enough common purpose/vibration, to establish a very strong, natural connection so that they may facilitate each others’ growth and spiritual evolution.

Soul Groups

These similar energy communities are sometimes called Soul Groups. Yes, groups, not so sexy as mates, but important nonetheless. These groups incarnate together and some believe that there is a shared Karmic Contract to fulfill the obligation of supporting and challenging each other in different ways. Sometimes as family, teachers, lovers, children, siblings, colleagues, mentors etc. Less and less romantic by the minute, I know but stick with me here.

The Soul Groups are not always a band of cheer leaders. Sometimes they present challenges, sometimes they instill support and foundation.

Within these Soul Groups will be a series of people who serve special roles with each other, often releasing Karma (balancing the universal checkbook, bringing an opportunity to promote empathy, justice etc. this term is often synonymous with revenge but that is another distortion for another blog). These deeply connected relationships are not always happy-ever-after. They can be platonic, they may be brief but have a significant impact. They may be difficult relationships, and you are not under obligation to stay in a toxic or abusive relationship because you feel or have been told the person is your “Soul Mate”.

This is not an exclusive role to be fulfilled by Prince Charming. This is an opportunity for divine service, growth and expansion if we open our minds to the many Soul Mates who have come into our paths, and if we are willing to let go of the expectation of taking someone as an emotional hostage because they are a “Soul Mate” and are obliged to serve as a partner “forever”. Your Soul Mates are your Growth Mates, they may challenge you, you may not be “with” them romantically, and your relationship may not last “forever”.


For more information on relationships, Soul Mates, Karma and more, contact Angela to learn about Intuitive Relationship Coaching.