Cognitive Distortions (Single Belles Part II)
Cognitive Distortions is a term referring to beliefs which may be widely accepted (in other words, you aren’t off your block for believing these things…) yet they aren’t necessarily true. What Mark Twain would have called “the things we know which just ain’t so”. (Click Here for more).
Here are some examples, check off any that sound familiar to you:
- Everyone my age is settled down/in love/ in a relationship
- I must be a loser because I still haven’t found my partner
- Even (insert undesirable adjective here) women are in committed
- If I haven’t found love by now I never will…
- If I don’t have a partner/family to celebrate the holidays with I am doomed to be alone and lonely…
- I can’t go to any holiday parties/gatherings alone because people will think I am a loser…
These insidious beliefs corrupt the confidence and power of modern women who make the socially accepted mistake of evaluating their worth and progress in life by their relationship status. Such beliefs are a source of angst and depression and are not even accurate statements.
Luckily these beliefs can be dealt with and destroyed. Here are a few simple ways to fight fire with fire and use the power of your mind to outwit the distorted beliefs.
Prove yourself wrong. For example “I am the only one who will not have a date for the holiday dinner.” Really? 8 billion people in the world and counting and YOU are the ONLY one? Not likely….
What is the worst that could happen? This is a powerful question that serves like a crowbar wrenching your mind open to possibilities. So….even if you were the only one at a holiday party without a date…so what? What is the worst that would happen? How LIKELY is your imagined worst case scenario?
Separate FACTS from OPINIONS (also known as JUDGEMENTS).
In doing this, the statement “I am the only one in the family who is not married therefore I must be a loser” can easily be separated into 2 parts.
“I am the only one in the family who is not married” may be a fact, but standing alone it has no inherent value. It does not increase or decrease your worth as a person.
Rather it is your OPINION about this fact which causes you distress (that being the equation with worth or “loser”).
As a side note, others may fuel this fire with their own opinions, such as mom asking why you haven’t found someone YET….but lets be realistic here, when did you ever listen to mom anyway? Why start now?
Look for the BIG PICTURE….The belief “even people who are (fill in dysfunctional descriptive word here) are married but I am not, what is wrong with me” leaves room for more objective clarification.
After all, if you WANTED to be in a relationship with someone who was (fill in dysfunctional descriptive word here) you EASILY could be, but chances are you know you want better than to settle for a dysfunctional relationship and so you have chosen to actually wait until you find a solid person to have a stable, healthy relationship with.
Just because Hallmark hasn’t found a way to cash in on celebrating your resolve and insight, does not mean you should demean the decision to stick to your integrity!!!!
Start Your Own Traditions
Honor your path and the ways your lifestyle may be different from others. Celebrate being single. Attend parties without a date and enjoy the opportunities to mingle on your own terms. Take advantage of the fact that you will be able to share your brilliance with many friends, relatives and loved ones. Plan a special celebration for others who are celebrating solo. Take a trip, volunteer for a worthy organization, start a unique holiday tradition to share with friends or girlfriends, neighbors or family.
Treat yourself to a gift or a special holiday card. Wrap it up, hide it and find it later by surprise.
Most importantly RESIST the urge to compare. Single, married, divorced, dating, coupled or not, everyone has their stuff to deal with and their highs to celebrate, so accentuate yours! For more information on ways to make the most of the holidays with guidance from astrology, check out the Holiday Harmony e-kit available at intuitiveangela.com.