I Can’t Believe I’m Still Crying….

“If the people are buying tears I’m gonna be a rich girl someday…” Melanie Safka


I didn’t expect my eyes to spring a leak again recently.

It took me by surprise that four months after a break up, and in the midst of all kinds of excitement for the upcoming launch of Queen Up! and with the support of beautiful friends and family, and riding high on the energy of transformation and growth….

Out came the grief shit again.

Like an infomercial from Hell…

“But wait! There’s more….”

The title of this blog is slightly deceptive. What I was really saying to myself was a variation on the sentiment spoken in question form, with expletives for good measure.

Followed by a host of judgments about my feelings and leaking eyeballs until finally there was nothing more to do but sink in to the tide and let it carry me.

Immersing in the energy of the Queen of Cups

Of the four Queens, the Queen of Cups is the power of emotional currents, love, healing and connection to others. She gives us the capacity to love deeply and opens the floodgates when we need to heal, sometimes in spite of our best efforts to lock that shit up like Fort Knox.

To embody her power of unconditional love, mercy, healing and emotional connection, we need to be willing to ride the tides that rise through us. Trusting that we will not drown in them. I can attest to the fact that in spite of the premonitions of various country songs, it is likely impossible to drown in one’s own tears, rest assured at least one crisis is likely to be averted.

If you find yourself in the midst of the grieving process, perhaps you can relate. You feel fine one minute and inexplicably sad the next. Emboldened by a future filled with new possibilities at 10 am and arguing with the past for bailing on you by 2 pm.

Here are a few ways I have been working with this Queen.

Getting in the Mood

Rather than trying to jump ship into happiness, I have found that creating space to let sadness emerge has been helpful albeit not always pleasant. While not stewing in sadness, honoring it by letting it rise up is in it’s own way, empowering. Once I stopped arguing with myself about all the reasons I “shouldn’t” be sad, I set up some mood music on YouTube to help excavate the energy of sadness. Starting with John Denver’s I’m Sorry, then moving on to the harder stuff, Elvis’s rendition of Unchained Melodies, a perfect backdrop to crying and swearing at the screen (sorry Elvis, you know it’s not you, it’s me).

Immerse yourself in the energy of the emotions you are feeling. Whether through music or stories or books or movies, let it surround you to help dredge up the energy that you’ve been carrying so it can be released.

Giving It to a Higher Power

It’s times like this that we forget the enormity of the worlds and how close at hand our Ancestors and guides are, and how willing they are to help us release what is burdening us. Working with the Queen of Cups energy puts us in flow and in connection, so I have been chatting up the Ancestors a great deal.

Energy in Motion

Emotion is energy in motion so allowing energy to move through you is a great release and allows you to flow like the Queen of Cups. Whether this flow is induced by dancing, singing, yelling (where appropriate, your boss may not be down with your justifications of releasing energy in a meeting) or even the heaving that accompanies a good case of leaking eyeballs.

Flow Like Water

The Queen of Cups corresponds to the element of Water, so connection to this element with the intention of healing and releasing can have a powerful impact. Creating healing space in a bath, or swimming or even as part of your daily shower can help align with this energy and facilitate the flow of emotion.

Call Council with Your Selves

It is time to heal what has been fractured and this doesn’t happen in distraction or drowning sorrows in peanut butter. It is time to reintegrate the aspects of yourself that are feeling broken by the pain of loss. Welcome your past, present and potential future Self to speak to you. Invite your wounded Self to sit down and listen to the part of you that remains strong, and then allow your strong Self to hear what the part of you that is wounded has to say. Ask your grief what you need and be open to the answer.

And now for the good stuff…..

It is a survival function of the way we are wired that unpleasant emotions have a strong impact and feel urgent and all encompassing. For our Ancestors this meant greater attention to all the details of what may threaten survival. For us in the 21st century, it means we are acutely aware of every anxiety, heartache, and perceived threat often as if it were the end of the world. We can lose our sense of time and perspective and feel like the tunnel is unending.

But wait! There’s more…

In case it has been a while and you’ve forgotten, as the release occurs it can also be euphoric. As the emotion passes what remains in it’s place can feel liberating.

By round 4 of Elvis’s Unchained Melody you will be laughing. Ok, maybe it won’t happen until you’ve moved on to round 2 of Kathy’s Song but it will happen.

What starts as pleading and yelling at the Ancestors culminates in gratitude and thanks.

And when we have been hollowed out by grief we are ready to be refilled with healing and love.

By 4 pm you are ready to take on the world, write some blogs, open your heart to love others in spite of the pain, and continue to fight against Fascism.